The Army Wants Your Beard

You heard me right, soldier. The army wants your beard. You know why? Because it makes you an ultimate fighting machine. No joke.

Word from the Pentagon goes as such:

“We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”

“Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, shit went wrong most of the time.”

"CENTCOM wasted no time establishing a new rule forcing males to grow beards."

So, all that time you've spent growing your glorious chin thicket is also time that you've been slowly gaining the skill and powers of a black ops soldier. With merely a gun in your hand, a beard on your jaw, and a twinkle in your eye, you could take down the entire county of Baldfaceistan alone. You're a one beard army, an Amish Superman, a bush ninja. You get the idea. It turns out that Chuck Norris was doing it right all along.

“The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.”

We'll have to start marketing our t-shirts to army personel. I'm sure a beard on your chest in addition to a beard on your face would give you twice the power. You might as well slip on five of them right one after the other so you're damn near invincible. That way you'll sweat like a real man too. The power of a beard is deadly.

“It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.”

Our Bearded Lady will be happy to hear that.

So, fact or fiction? Here's the source.